So I’ve recently started seeing a therapist for my anxiety. It’s been a big step for me because I was one of those (stupid) people who always thought going to therapy was weak, and that I wasn’t really that bad and my anxiety was only temporary and the limitations it had placed on my life weren’t really there I could totally carry on by myself I didn’t need to talk to strangers in shops or make phone calls anyway…..
But my amazing wife pushed me and encouraged me and inspired me with her own battles with depression (she’s truly amazing btw) and I took the step and went to see this guy…. And it was AMAZING!
I can’t understand why I didn’t go to therapy before, well I can but I wish I’d done it sooner. It’s amazing. (Seriously you should go to therapy).
It’s helping me understand my anxiety and then tackle it.
Basically at the root of it is a subconscious belief that I am not good enough and that people don’t want me around or like me.
That in turn has created a sense that I need to better myself and prove that I am useful and worth being around.
It’s also made me feel like a “lesser” or not as important person.
These things go hand in hand with a submissive mentality:
A desire (desperation) to make yourself needed, wanting to better yourself and viewing yourself as “below” others.
This all seems like an incredibly unhealthy attitude to have, and it is, but if directed in the right way it can actually lead us into a place of great healing and self-worth.
You see, through seeing myself in those terms and acting upon those things I made myself desirable to more dominant folks.
Through my submission I became needed and desired by people, I was able to help them out through service and in practicing this I became better and learnt new skills. Through submission I was able to meet all those desires I had about myself full on and work on them simultaneously.
Not only that but I gained self-worth. In owning my submission, I became someone important and needed, a better version of myself. My self-worth shot through the roof. And it’s only through therapy and understanding my initial anxieties and what has caused my deep submissive tendencies that I’ve been able to work out why.
In seeing myself as “less” my identity as a submissive comes in serving those who I perceive as “more”. But what makes me worth something to those who I perceive as “more” are those things that I view as negative and that create a sense of self-worthlessness in myself.
Other people see the negatives and brokenness that I have created in myself and instead of hating it, see it as a positive and love it. The brokenness I perceive in myself is seen as perceived as potential in the eyes of others.
It’s a beautiful turning upside down of all the negatives we create in ourselves.
We see useless: They see useful.
We see needy: they see needed
We see a broken person: they see a fixer-upper.
If we’re not careful the lies we tell ourselves can become all-consuming and destructive. If we ignore those lies or work against them we can rise above them and become the true people we are made to be. BDSM has helped me begin this work, which therapy has continued and my new relationships with my (amazing)wife and God will finish.
This is also the way that God see’s us. God sees through the fake image we have created of ourselves and speaks through it. God made us to be who we are and wants the best for us. Like a true Dominant God speaks through the flaws, helps us work on them, helps us to better ourselves and makes us feel valid, worthy and needed. God gives us the tools needed to speak through the lies we create for ourselves and break their hold on us. Tools like healthy relationships, medication and therapy.
BDSM helped me on the road to recovery and overcoming my mental health issues and for that I love it. It has become an intrinsic part of who I am and how I understand myself, far more so than the anxiety that lead me to it.
Our anxieties may have the first word on who we think we are, but they do not have the last.
1] For more info on the links between BDSM and positive mental health see here.
2] Please do not see BDSM as a substitute for therapy or medication for mental health issues. BDSM can be a useful cathartic experience and help with some issues you may have temporarily but it can also be extremely damaging if practised unsafely. A dominatrix is not the same as a counsellor. Go and see a therapist, seriously.